My Friend has Cancer. How Can I Help?

As a Physician Assistant, I had the incredible opportunity of working with an oncologist who taught me how to handle Cancer and bad news; things you can never learn from reading a textbook.
It went like this: Sit on the chair with your BACK away from the clock, be at eye level with your patient, and say something like, "Unfortunately, the results of the recent test were not what we were hoping for." And say nothing more; let the patient process the news. They will guide the visit on how much they want to know and go from there.

We should all practice this when we learn of friends or family members who have received bad news. Let them guide the conversations, guide how much they want to share. Don't give them the sad puppy dog face and say, "I'm so sorry. Can you be at my daughter's wedding next summer?" Don't comment on any friends you know that "had that same cancer." Nobody's disease is the same.

DON'T GIVE ADVICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If they want your advice, let them ask for it. Don't tell them bad news stories; believe me, they have gone through all the bad scenarios in their head over and over again. And don't say, "Let me know what I can do." Be specific.

Now that you know what NOT to do when a friend has a Cancer Diagnosis, here are positive ways to show you care without being intrusive. It is best to let them lead; be respectful of what they are going through and how much or little they want to share.

1.    Please give them your full attention when they want it. If they cancel plans to see you you, even at the last minute, that's okay.

2.    Say, I would like to make you dinner if that suits you. Here are the things I can make: baked ziti, salad, soup. Give them options and choices of days for you to drop it off. Make anything in disposable containers so they don't have to return them to you. And if they don't call back to say thanks, that's okay. Remember, food is not only for them but for the family.

3.    Offer to drive them to appointments if needed, and don't be vague. “I’m available on Tuesday and Thursday mornings if your husband/wife/child would like a break. Make it easy for them to accept help.

4.    And if they don't call you, it is okay. It is about them, NOT YOU. I have a friend who was having a rough time and didn't want to talk or get together. I dropped off flowers regularly and just texted to look at the front porch (otherwise they may never have seen them). As much as I wanted to do something, I needed to respect her wishes and needs; and I did. Did it make me feel helpless? Yes, but again, it is not about you but about them.

5.    Sometimes, it can be as simple as sending a text:" No response necessary. I want you to know that I am thinking about you."

 Many of us will face a serious illness at one time or another. We need to learn how to be compassionate, and supportive while giving our friend or family member the time to process what they need. A good friend shows up and listens. Let them take the lead.