Saying Good-Bye Isn't Easy

As I sit here with Ms. X in her hospice room as her death doula, I think about how difficult it is to die. She is unusual because she has been here for more than two weeks. In fact, this is my third visit. When I first came 13 days ago, she was semi-conscious, occasionally crying out, but mostly comfortable. I watched her aide lovingly bathe her, covering her private parts and moisturizing her skin. Lastly, she plucked the little white hairs on her chin so she would look beautiful as she prepared to die.

 When I visited last week, she was still with us but had slipped into a coma. I was sure she was able to hear me. Studies have shown that hearing is one of the last senses to go. I talked about the balloons in her room, the cards from her family members, and how much they love her. But it is nearly impossible for them to be here all the time. She is here in a beautiful facility, cared for by nurses, nursing aides, doctors, and death doulas.

 When a loved one is near death, perhaps in a coma or heavily sedated because of pain, it’s vitally important to be present for them. Be aware not to have negative conversations with other family members or discuss their condition with the medical staff in their presence. Hold their hand, speak to them, and reminisce even when they can’t participate in the conversation. Let them know they are loved. Let them know they will be missed but never forgotten. Help them let go.

 And I am back six days later, and Ms. X is still with us. She is lying peacefully in her bed, with her arm wrapped around her stuffed bear, in a clean, crisp pink patterned hospital gown. She looks very comfortable. Who knows what she is waiting for, why she is clinging to a life slipping away? Once again, I am reminded of how much work it is to die and how blessed I am to be a part of this process. Perhaps she will be here next week when I return, or maybe she will have passed over. I talk to her again today, wishing her an easy passing, and I remind her she is loved.