How to Prepare for Death

Death.  A word we shudder to say or think about. On the other hand, birth is at the opposite end of the spectrum, a time of joy, hope, and excitement. And while they conjure up very different emotions, we need to think about death and plan for it. We are all going to die someday, and we need to think about it, plan for it, and bring our loved ones and friends into the conversation because, whether we want it or not, it will happen.  And everyone will be much better off if plans are discussed.  We plan and discuss birth; let's do it with death and not be afraid to say the word. 

 The most important "lesson" is having a conversation with your loved ones and having Advance Directives (these only come into play IF you are unable to make a decision for yourself). Think of it as an insurance policy, which will be referred to only if you cannot make decisions at the time. Suppose you don't have an Advance Directive and don't have a spouse or children. In that case, the hospital will assign someone to decide for you. If you want to make decisions concerning your health in a crisis, such as if you want to be on a ventilator or have a feeding tube, get them done. You also will need a health care proxy and a POLST or MOLST.  These are forms within each state that are vital; if an EMT is called to your residence and you are not breathing, they legally have to do everything to keep you alive, even if you have a DNR tattoo plastered to your chest! 

 Also, redo your wills and other forms annually and with every health change or move.  Recently, I met with a family member and their 90-year-old mother, who they thought was in good shape.  She had a MOLST (Maryland Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment) form; HOWEVER, it was dated in 2016! Her health has changed, and the MOLST order was folded into 8ths in her wallet!  Nobody would ever find it.  

 Recently, I had the amazing opportunity to speak at a Patient Care Conference for Health Care Advocates about death and the importance of preparation. As advocates, we help people through many medical challenges, and we must learn how to talk with our clients about planning for the inevitable. And, of course, it's equally vital for us. After my presentation, many audience members told me they took copious notes and learned new things. (I have a copy of my slide deck if anyone is interested).  They said to me that loved ones knowing your phone password was one of the most important takeaways. It was something they had not thought about. Often, Medicare or the bank sends numbers to your phone to prove it is you and not an imposter.  If you don't have the phone or don't have the password, you are locked out. Give the passwords to whoever needs them.  I know my husbands and vice versa, but my children don't. Now they will—another thing on my list. 

 Do you want to be buried, have a funeral, or be cremated? Have the discussion.  Don't make your family have to make hard decisions.  Decide who is in charge.  It is not necessarily the oldest child or your spouse.  Discuss who is number one, number two, and number three.   

 Write a will.  And talk about everything. Doing this, you are helping those you leave behind by providing a blueprint for how the property should be divided. This relieves tension and controversy even in the most harmonious of families. At this point, we are in good shape with our belongings; the big decision among my sons is who will get the Mexican chess set. Other than that, I think we are good, but we will keep talking.  

 There is a wonderful tool called "The Death Deck" by Lisa Pahl, which you can order online.  Please don't make death a subject you can't discuss; then, you may regret it.  It helps you consider the “what ifs” in discussing final plans with your family. Buy it and use it. There is also a set called the “EOL”, end of life which is equally valuable.

 My husband and I are in the process of moving and downsizing.  Throwing away so many things, giving things away, but this will make it easier (we hope) for our children someday.  We are leaving the state, friends, memories, etc. While it was a tough decision, it's right for us. It's all good as we will be closer to family.  

 Does this subject overwhelm you? Are you still unsure of where to begin? Call me. 410.978.3763 or email me: myra@katzadvocate.com   I can help you prepare for the inevitable. Once you're done, you'll be able to embrace each and every day. 

 Live well and DIE BETTER!!! We all deserve it, especially our loved ones.  

 

Myra Katz